


The Black Eagle Gentlemen’s Jolly Patricidal Road Trip

by Arvanion



Category: Fire Emblem: Fuukasetsugetsu | Fire Emblem: Three Houses
Genre: Fluff and Crack, Gen, Patricide, no beta we die like Glenn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-06
Updated: 2020-03-13
Packaged: 2021-02-28 17:35:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,340
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23041075
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Arvanion/pseuds/Arvanion
Summary: What do far too many students of Garreg Mach have in common? Terrible, awful fathers, of course! Hubert proposes a solution.
Comments: 6
Kudos: 116





	1. Chapter 1

“It occurs to me,” said Hubert, sipping his coffee, “that our comrades have not had the best luck in fathers.”

”Hmm. You have a talent for understatement.”

”Coffee, Jeritza?”

The corner of Jeritza’s mouth twitched in disgust. “No thank you. I cannot stand the stuff. Why you would choose to drink something that tastes so bitter is beyond me.”

”Perhaps it is because I am such a bitter man.” Hubert smiled. “Returning to the subject at hand...”

”Fathers,” said Jeritza, with the same degree of disgust he displayed for coffee.

”With the exception of Her Imperial Majesty and the professor, I do not think anyone here has had a particularly positive paternal role model.” Hubert extended a gloved hand, counting off on his fingers. “Count Varley is the reason poor Bernadetta spent so long jumping at shadows. Duke Aegir’s corruption led to untold suffering. Duke Gloucester may have sided with us out of convenience, but he had no qualms assassinating the previous Riegan heir, and Raphael’s parents alongside him. Sylvain may be an insufferable womanizer, but his upbringing by Margrave Gautier is at least partly to blame. And as for the two of us...”

Jeritza’s eyes narrowed in irritation. ”Is there some point you’re getting to, or did you just invite me here so I could decline your offer of a drink?”

”Of course there is a point. Calm down.” Hubert smirked over the rim of his cup. “You and I have direct experience in... _removing_ unworthy fathers. Perhaps we could apply our expertise elsewhere.”

”There is a certain charm to that idea,” said Jeritza. His fingers drummed restlessly on the table. “Peace does not suit me.”

”Nor me.”

A leaf drifted lazily down from the roof, stirred by the breeze. Neither paid it much heed, but as it settled to the ground, a purple-haired man appeared as if from thin air.

”So, what are we scheming?” Jeritza and Hubert jumped, startled. Their visitor simply laughed. “Easy there, I’m just asking.”

”Nothing that concerns you, Yuri,” snapped Hubert.

”I’m sure I could concern myself with it.” Without waiting to be invited, Yuri slid into one of the other seats at the table, placing a twine-wrapped cloth bundle in the center. “Here. A peace offering.”

Jeritza sniffed, then drew a knife and cut through the twine. A rare smile came to his face as the bundle opened and the scent of fresh-baked pastries filled the air. “Acceptable.”

”Good, I’m glad we could reach an arrangement.” Yuri steepled his fingers and leaned back. “So c’mon, spill. What kind of crimes are we plotting?”

”What makes you think our discussion is criminal in nature?” said Hubert, slowly.

Yuri winked. “Firstly, the two of you are the only members of the Black Eagle Strike Force who are shadier than I am. And secondly, don’t underestimate my instincts. The Savage Mockingbird didn’t become infamous for nothing.”

”Surely there is no harm in telling him,” said Jeritza.

Hubert gave the knight a sidelong look. “Are you really so easy to buy off?”

Jeritza wiped crumbs of pastry from his mouth and said nothing.

” _Please_ , Mister Bert? I cannot rest until my curiosity is sated.” Yuri took on an exaggeratedly pleading tone.

”Don’t call me that.” Hubert sighed and rubbed at his temple. “But, fine, if you insist. We were discussing the logistics of doing away with a few so-called fathers.”

Yuri’s eyes lit up, and a wide grin spread across his face. “Oh, I _have_ to get in on this.”

”What makes you think we would allow that?”

”Well, I assume you don’t want me tattling to the Emperor,” said Yuri. “And if we’re talking awful fathers, I have a good idea who’d be on the list.” His smile bared his teeth—a wolf ready to devour its prey. “I’ve got unfinished business with Count Varley, and he’s long overdue to pay up.”

”We’re not doing this for purely personal reasons...” Hubert began.

”Speak for yourself,” said Jeritza. “It will be _very_ cathartic for me.”

”All right, fine, maybe we are doing this for personal reasons. But it serves a practical purpose, too.”

”Way ahead of you there,” said Yuri. “The Emperor’s planning on taking apart the nobility, isn’t she? Quite a few of the folks on our list will be heads of their respective houses. I’d wager that decapitating a house or two will accelerate the process nicely, provided we’re subtle about it.”

Jeritza reached for his third pastry, a faint smile on his face. ”He catches on fast.”

”My contributions will, I think, be invaluable.” Yuri produced a coin and idly danced it across his knuckles. “I know all the best crime guys to do crimes with. And apart from my extensive connections to the criminal underworld, I provide something both of you are sorely lacking.”

”And what is that?” said Hubert.

”A sense of humor! If we’re going to do this job, we may as well have fun with it, right?”

Hubert blinked. After a moment, he began to chuckle, which soon turned into a full laugh. “Oh, very good!”

”So I’m in, then?”

”Yes, and a heartfelt welcome to you.” Hubert drained his cup and reached for the pot to pour himself another. “Shall we get to work, then?”

Yuri flipped his coin into the air and caught it smoothly. “Let’s do it!”

”Indeed,” said Jeritza, nodding.

Thus began the planning for the strangest road trip the continent had ever seen.


	2. Chapter 2

Outside the Gautier estate, two dark-clad figures lurked in the shadows of a copse of trees. 

“Are you sure this is necessary?” said the Death Knight, voice muffled by the skull mask. 

“Absolutely,” said Yuri. He grinned. “Like I said, it’s not enough to just kill these jerks. We have to do it with _style_.” 

“Nonetheless, this garb is rather... impractical.” 

“Well, that didn’t stop you from stalking around Garreg Mach for several nights every month, terrifying miscellaneous passersby and generally doing your best to look spooky.” Yuri tapped his knuckles on the armor. “Honestly, I think the whole evil spikes thing is a bit overdone, but it’s certainly got a nice aesthetic to it.” 

“A nice... _aesthetic._ ” The Death Knight sighed. 

“Plus, without the mask to warp your voice, you just sound really bored all the time.” 

“I cannot help the way I speak.” The Death Knight adjusted the set of his helmet, peering out through the eye-slits. “Where is Hubert? He should be here by now.” 

“I imagine he’s coming along...” Yuri clicked his tongue. “Ahh, speak of the devil. I think that’s him now.” He stepped forward slightly and made a series of hand signs. Each was accompanied by a brief flare of magic, no more conspicuous than the light of a firefly. 

“Apologies for my lateness,” said Hubert as he arrived alongside them. “I had to ensure that your, ah, ‘crime guys’ were sufficiently instructed.” 

“Probably a good idea,” said Yuri. “So, what did we settle on?” 

“Thanks to a totally unforeseen accident in the kitchens, the guards have been stricken with an unfortunate bout of bowel cramps,” said Hubert. “It will be unsurprising if their watchfulness is somewhat lacking.” 

“Finally,” rumbled the Death Knight, hefting his scythe. “All of this waiting around was torture.” 

“C’mon, it wasn’t that bad, was it?” said Yuri. 

“ _You_ aren’t the one in spiky armor.” 

~

Edelgard broke the seal on the letter and looked it over with a slight frown. After a moment, she sighed and sat back in her chair. 

“Is something the matter, Your Majesty?” asked Hubert diffidently. 

“It’s a letter from Margrave Gautier’s steward,” the emperor replied, rubbing at her forehead. “Apparently, a band of thieves broke into his estate a few nights back and made off with a large number of valuables. Gautier himself was found in his study, dead. It seems he was killed in a scuffle with one of the thieves.” 

“Tragic,” said Hubert with an utter lack of sincerity. “He will be missed.” 

Edelgard gave him a sidelong look and simply shook her head.

**Author's Note:**

> not sure what to say about this. might write more of it. might not.


End file.
